Welcome to Pigfarts
by Mergoat
Summary: AVPM/Starkid inspired. A story of one boy and his determination to achieve his life's greatest ambition.


140,000,000 miles away from Earth, a triple-decker, purple AEC Regent III RT approached gravitational orbit around the red planet of Mars.

Ernie Prang adjusted the approach vector of the enchanted bus as it whizzed towards the red planet. Although not their normal assignment, the Knight Bus bus was well-adapted to survive the rigors of space travel in moderate luxury. Interplanetary apparition techniques and floo networks were as of now unheard of, but one determined individual wanted nothing more than to visit this seemingly barren planet. Besides, the blonde-haired boy paid them well enough to make it more than worth their while.

Stan shuffled up to the driver's seat. "Hey Ern, you don' fink we'll run into no space sharks on the way back, do you?"

"Nothing out here 'tween Earth and Mars, 'cept them muggle whats-its flying 'round earth. Blimey Stan, even you should know space sharks don't come any closer than them blasteroid belts."

"Mmm.", Stan grunted. He cleared his throat and then pointed his wand to it. He then amplified his voice and said so the whole bus could hear, "Oi, listen up, we're nearing Mars. Grab a hold of sumfink and don't let nufink breakable lying around, fings might get a bit bumpy. We should be landing in...erm…" Stan hollers to Ernie, forgetting to pause his amplified voice, "Hey Ern, 'choo s'pose we'll land?"

"About ten minutes, thereabouts."

"Right. We should be landing in around-"

SLAM!

Stanly was slammed to the ground, having been knocked over by one Draco Malfoy, blinded with joy and adrenaline to get to the front of the bus to get a good view. "You blundering oaf, watch where you are going!" Draco snarled as he got up and continued to the front of the bus. He stepped up to the window, and saw a gorgeous sight.

Directly ahead, just poking above the dashboard, was a horizon of gold, fading into a weathered terracotta. The surface was entirely alien, without any water features or mountains that his home planet was abundant of.

"Master Malfoy, I must insist that you stay in your seat, we are entering atmo very soon, and I~"

Draco ignored him. "It's beautiful", he said, looking down on Mars. "It's just as I imagined it! Tell me, where is Pigfarts? It's the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy, isn't it? I can't see it down there…"

As Draco was observing the planet, the bus gave a sudden heavy shake, sending Malfoy sprawling on the ground. "Are you sure you know how to drive this thing? Honestly I think my nan could drive better than you." No snickering from behind him made him remember Crabbe and Goyle weren't there to laugh at his witty remarks. But he was glad to be rid of them, if it meant leaving that Potter and Weasley fellow behind, along with their filthy mudblood friend. Just being this close to Mars was like waking up from a bad dream and falling back into a wet one. Draco could hardly contain his excitement and wanted nothing more than to squeal with joy. He had a certain image to maintain, however, and settled for a sly grin. "I'll be in my quarters then," he said finally. "Be a good conductor and fetch my luggage when we land. And as for you, troll-for-brains", he shot a look at Ernie, "do try to keep us from crashing. You wouldn't want my father hearing about it, would you?" Pleased with himself once more, he marched off to put his robes on.

Roughly one hour later, they finally touched down onto Mars soil. Ernie was pleased with himself as he brought the triple-decker bus to a halt without breaking anything, for once. "Pigfarts, end of the line!" Ernie wheezed as loudly as he could. A moment later Draco moved up to the front of the bus, eager to get off. "Why in the devil did you put the blinds up for while approaching?", Draco complained. As Stan tried to mutter something about the sun glare, Draco interrupted, "I was hoping to look down and find Pigfarts as we came down, you stupid git. Can't you show a little respect? No matter. I'll be outside, waiting for my luggage. You can do that, can't you?" Draco snapped as he walked past them both, wondering why they were still buckled in. The thought slipped away as he fantasized about what Pigfarts would look like when the door opened. He stepped towards the door, and Ernie said a final "Enjoy your Pigfarts, master Malfoy!" before pulling the lever to open the bus door.

With the atmospheric pressure on the surface of Mars being roughly 0.087 psi, about 0.6% of Earth (and thus, the inside of the Knight Bus), Draco was immediately sucked out onto the Martian surface at an alarming speed. Tumbling wildly while breaking ribs and cutting skin, he skidded across the Red Planet. There was never time to recover his wits, however. The landing and the change in pressure knocked the wind out of him, and his lungs pulled in no air when he involuntarily expanded them. Already desperate and oxygen-starved, he soon felt his skin start to bubble and boil. He watched in horror as he saw water quickly vaporizing outward through his pores and his skin slowly expanding like a balloon. He wanted to scream in agony but there was literally nothing in his lungs to do so. Magic wasn't an option, for he felt his wand snap when he first hit the surface. Surely Rumbleroar wouldn't let this happen to him, Draco Malfoy, would he? And where was this Pigfarts, the greatest wizarding school in the Galaxy anyway? Helpless, and feeling his eyes start to bubble, the last thing he saw before losing consciousness was Ernie slamming shut the doors of the Knight Bus and seeing it fly up and away.

Later that week on a pleasant summer evening, an owl carrying _The Evening Prophet_ came flying down to 4 Privet Drive, darting into a second-floor window. A boy with jet black hair and a lightning scar on his forehead paid the owl one knut, and the owl once again took off. The boy opened the paper. MALFOY SON FOUND DEAD ON MARS, read the headline. He chuckled to himself and read the article to his own owl, snowy white and perched in its cage. "Wait until Ron and Hermione gets a load of this."

The owl cooed affectionately.


End file.
